"Parents are Overrated" from Dad & Buried

Following last night's Forgotten post, i came across Dad and Buried, the blog of a dad who well describes his life as...dad. His latest post made me hug my laptop, his WTF Factor and threshold concept nod,

Quick preview reminding  me how dads rock at parenting, too:

The Forgotten - Guilt

Over the past years, i've signed up to be part of a lot of specialized sites, forums, blogs, etc...related to mummyhood. Yeah you'd surely tell me i could better use my time in more constructive things; but well, when you're new at something, getting a bit of help, whether theoretical or not, is not wrong either.

I am a working mum. That means, i went back to the office after 3 months off, back full time a month later. I could have decided not to; my company could have decided not to, also. For those who do not know, the legal maternity leave is no longer than 45 calendar days, 100 in case of medical emergency. No need to calculate much: it's short, very short.
However i was happy to go back to the office full time and leave my son in the hands of professional carers at the nursery.

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The Forgotten - Guilt
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Well, guilt actually is not a forgotten concept in the forums and readings i mentioned earlier. it is actually sadly redundant and part of the new vocabulary that a mum needs to digest, and hopefully feel awful about:
you should feel guilty to leave your kid in school, especially the entire day.
You should punish yourself for having a moment of weakness and regret the freedom you had before (especially when freedom = the 2mn shower you need to have between 2 feeds).
You should cry for opening a food jars for dinner and skipping home-made baby cooking. 
I am even not talking about all the classes you cannot attend which obviously will ruin your child's education and development.
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I won't address here the contradictions between the authorities' desires to empower female workforce and the regulations which pretty much oblige you to stay home if you cannot afford daycare or a nanny. It is obviously a fundamental problem which is far beyond one's control.

Life here is also planned around mothers at home who have the time to develop hobbies and attend classes of workshops which are interesting...oh wait how would i know? i am in the office and they all take place on weekdays during working hours...
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Here i want to poke the worst treatment you can get as a new mum, and i am even not sure how to call it: Mummy-bashing? Mummy bitch talk?Inconsiderate judging?
to summarise: all people asking you how you can look at yourself in the mirror to go back to work while obviously not caring about your pooping bundle of joy.

Many articles describe over stressed mothers who are guilty to even think of going back to work. or leaving kiddo with strangers. or even worse, feeling exhausted being a mother and not enjoying every single little minute of pregnancy or motherhood because you know, after all, all this will disappear within minutes and your kid will move out tomorrow. If you do not die alone anyway because your now 4 months old will hate you the rest of your life for focusing one minute on the latest Kardashian episode instead of caring about Baby Einstein at all time.

You have decided not to breastfeed despite the WHO recommendations to have your boobs sore for at least 6 months "to give your child the best start in life"? how dare you, you evil person.
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my answer to this: screw this. Screw the pressure that society puts on what being a great parent should mean. it's like peer pressure, and sometimes close to harassment. And the worst is that it comes 1/naturally and 2/form your fellow sisters who should know best what it feels like to spend a morning throwing up, to suffer from whatever complications, to have a living body expelled from your own, to lack sleep, to feel like hiding under the blanket, to fantasise over a proper meal or a glass of whine while in the meantime hoping to be respected for keeping the little one alive, healthy and happy.

But seriously, shit shit shit since when has it become wrong to be selfish and make yourself the one alive, healthy and happy? because with all due respect, forget this and you're screwed!
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I decided to ban guilt from my life, it is counter productive and i have no energy to waste on "what if". My full time work keeps me up and running mentally and allows me to be creative and meet awesome people.
No lie here there's a fair share of heavy thinking, planning and running around, surely too much. There's also a lot of self-made pressure so that i can allow my man to not feel guilty for having to work late or travel, as yes, he does not have the choice, and guilt does not discriminate gender. Some -women- however are obviously hit worst (BS) and men do not bother (super-BS).

How is my son doing? he's awesome and going to nursery since 4th month has made  him super social, joyful, curious and open to new things. Fair enough he's been sick and our paediatrician has become a part of our life. But yeah, no regret whatsoever.

The Forgotten Part Two - Fathers' Recognition

When hubby sat down with me to read the previous article before i published  it, he first feared some proper hubby bashing old style. Then he thought i slightly over-reacted, and that dads are recognized for what they are doing. Then he told me about his time at the beach in the morning, and i smiled.

The day after, one article from a "mummy blog" i usual read decided it would be awesome to list activities that are good for dads, to give some slack to busy mums who obviously are always taking the lead:

"Right, all you Dubai dads – this one’s for you. With summer fast approaching and many of you being separated from your brood for a few weeks, we think it’s time for some kiddo/father bonding. Plus all the mamas are getting pretty tired right about now – all those school runs, play dates and extra curricular activities – not to mention all of the other stuff we juggle is starting to take its toll. So how about giving mama a break and having some fun with the minis? We’ve rounded up the best dad-friendly activities in Dubai to get you started."

 And of course, these activities included things such as going to the skateboard park, getting a wind tunnel or golf experience, or going camping.
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The Forgotten Part Two - Fathers' Recognition
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I am no hardcore feminist - but what would be the right word to define the contrary, i.e. defending what our guys are doing best? (masculinist?!)

I feel like a modern mum, and indeed i have to juggle between work, home, nursery, and other stuff that make a day busy and full of experience. But from what i read, or what i hear or see, dads cannot be seen further than the work they do, and the things they don't do at home.

Hubby found my reaction funny. I found it sad in two ways:
- why wouldn't i be interested in doing boys stuff with my son? (whether i actually do them or not)
- why would i be the only one dealing with the everyday things? (while all chores are well shared at home)

The above intro made me grind my teeth: one more time it feels that no one believe that dads also juggle a lot, if not harder, to manage everything. They do get less flexibility to manage "mum things", and therefore get over-visibile for their achievements.
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Clap your hand, a dad is actually bonding with his kid and doing something. Wow. See a mum doing the same...well...that's her job isn't it?
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I know, i am asking the wrong questions and i am wasting my time. But the story is still the same: when i go pick up my son at nursery, i get a lot of information about the day, food and activities. My husband does the same, he does not get more information than "he's fine, he had a good day".

I just wished he'd get not especially more credits, but better ones, the ones he deserves for pushing his own priorities aside, his stress, all the pressure he puts on his shoulders to juggle with everything.

Dads juggle, if not more than mums. And they rock at it the same way as we do.

The Forgotten - Part One

When you stroll through libraries and bookstores with the high-level quest of educating yourself about the baby to come and the best way not to screw up as a parent, you cannot see anything else than smily covers, happy babies, happy parents and confident titles. You instantly forget that these books are just trying to sell you magic and you suddenly believe that yes, you can do it too if this weird couple from a copyright-free picture bank can do it.

We decided however to make it soft and went for the "Pregnancy for Dummies", and it was the exact type of reading we were looking for. Simple, pragmatic and honest. I also bought funny ones directed to dad, i.e. those weird guidelines that turns the man as a commando papa ready to change exploding diapers while killing it at preparing a bottle.
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A few weeks ago a friend of mine, a guy, told me he would become a dad by the summer. Later on we started talking about the frustrations of being a man witnessing a pregnancy. Yes, i chose the word "witness" carefully. No need to discuss bees and storks here, of course the woman caries the baby and experiences all changes physically and mentally. Meantime, the man witnesses. He helps. He supports. He does feet massage. He goes grocery shopping.  He tidies up. He does what strangely enough is expected to be done by a woman "normally". Well Well.

Then i started thinking about my books again and the place men have in there. Yes indeed, they don't have any, or if they do it's in a humorous way mainly. Back to the super-hero dad and the box of Sudocream ready to be taken out like a hot gun.
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The Forgotten - Part One: Fathers.
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Fathers. The guys who created half of the life you are trying to maintain alive. The ones who see you going through the worst pain ever without being able to do anything. The ones who hold your hand and try to remain calm while blindly trusting the ones cutting a wife open and extract a baby out of a belly.

See how abstract i am, because this is the way this is often depicted. Fathers, whether future or actual ones, are putting so much pressure on their shoulders, and apart from fellow dads, the only recognition they get is a joke here and there on what they can do to help. When i remember  myself laughing at jokes about the role of men during the antenatal classes, i want to punch myself in the face. Old me, there's so much you couldn't have done up to today,  including getting up "mobilising" straight after the operation and starting my journey as a mum, if he had not been there for you.

To be continued in a next post: The Forgotten Part Two - Fathers' Recognition. 

The Forgotten - Background

When i became a mum, i decided not to to change the editorial line of my other blog and nor to close it down for good. it seems it has been turning on its own and will probably still do for a while, which is pleasantly surprising.

i have had obviously so much to think about over 9 months creating a life, and around 20 months of trying not to mess it up. But this does not justify writing yet another Motherhood flavoured blog which would smell of baby smell and diapers, look like rainbows and coffee stains, and sound like baby gargles and middle-of-the-night endless tears. Nope i thought i would go beyond it.

There are also thousands of blogs and sites and magazines and websites and books on the topic, and i did not want to add another one to the sea of pinkish bullshit. You got my point: i stocked a proper amount of thinking in my working mum brain, and it appears that it time now to unload before it starts melting.

I've done a fair share of reading of these blogs and other social media accounts, and i realised i could not find myself in any. Right, i love The Unmumsy Mum and Mother Pukka who probably better represent my ideal life balance, but still, something was missing.

So this is it, the background of The Forgotten. Expressing what i think has been missing, or what i've been disagreeing with. Pardon the blah and be indulgent: i haven't had a real night of sleep (i.e. more than 5 hours in a row in my own bed) in 2 years. And feel free of course to comment: there's no point bragging alone in here.

A long way behind, a long way to go

 I haven't written anything on this page for ever. Like, EVER. Not that i never felt the need for it, and my brain has written a lot of posts over the past years, silently, in my bed, under the shower or while driving. But never have i found the time to actually sit down, get my laptop ready and spell out what my brain has to say.

I want this to change.


Over the past months i've met brilliant people, inspiring smiles and stories. I have had my fair share of frustrations, but also had many opportunities to learn more about myself. I've become a Mother, i've become a carer. I've become a lot more aware of my priorities in life and explored the essence of my values, my feelings and background.

Will i be able to tell you more about that? i sincerely hope so. I want to be more active, i want to speak up further.


Until then i read through this blog again, all articles, one by one. What started as a funny description of a new life journey turned into a space to express myself honestly, sincerely. Reading some articles hurt me as much as it hurt writing them. This is perfect, as this is the way they were intended.


But maybe the first thing to do, then, is to rename this space. I haven't been a housewife in forever, and do not intend to be. Let's see what my brain whispers and i'll follow.

Campagnes virales et première pierre

Depuis plusieurs semaines maintenant, la tendance est à se vider des seaux d'eau sur la tête pour soulever connaissance et fonds pour la recherche contre la Sclérose latérale amyotrophique (SLA), encore appelée maladie de Charcot en France.


Le #ALSIceBucketChallenge fait le tour du monde, passe du monde corporate et VIP à celui du commun des mortels, avec un principe simple: on vous challenge de vous vider un seau d'eau glacée dans les prochaines 24h - si le défi n'est pas accompli, vous vous devez de donner USD 100 à l'association, puis de nominer trois autres personnes pour prendre la suite. Depuis le début de la chaine, maintenant virale sur internet, plus d'une vingtaine de millions de dollars ont été collectés.


Alors non, vous ne verrez pas ici de vidéo où je me vide de l'eau sur la tête, que ce soit de façon volontaire ou bien si un jour on me challenge. De la même façon que je ne participe pas à toutes ces chaînes internet qui vous demandent, par exemple, d'écrire sur Facebook la couleur de votre soutien-gorge "pour sensibiliser le public au cancer du sein".


Exemple de chaine étrange, reçue ce matin d'ailleurs. L'un de mes contacts écrit "just won £900 on a scratch card" (je viens juste de gagner 900£ grâce à une carte à gratter"). Je "like" ce statut, ravie de sa bonne fortune; puis je reçois ça:


Now you have to pick one from these below and post it to your status. This is THE 2014 BREAST & PROSTATE CANCER AWARENESS game. Don't be a spoil sport, pick your poison from one of these and change your status, 1) Damn my balls are sweaty 2) Just used my boobs to get out of a speeding ticket 3) Anyone have a tampon, I'm out? 4) How do you get rid of foot fungus? 5) Why is nobody around when I'm horny? 6) No toilet paper, goodbye socks. 7) Someone has offered me a job as a condom tester, but I'm hesitant. 8)I think I'm in love with someone, what should I do? 9) I've decided to stop wearing underwear. 10) It's confirmed, I'm going to be a Mummy / Daddy! 11) just won £900 on a scratch card 12) I love my big bouncy boobies. 13) i swing my balls back and forth. 14) that wasn't a fart, new pants please.


Pour résumer, je me ridiculise sur Facebook pour sensibiliser mes contacts pour la lutte contre le cancer du sein et de la prostate. SUPER. ET SURTOUT TELLEMENT UTILE. Et à refuser de jouer le jeu, je suis celle qui passe pour insensible, car je me contrefous de ces chaînes et je ne m'en cache pas.


Alors venons-en aux explications de base:


- Le temps que vous passez à préparer votre seau d'eau glacée, à préparer votre meilleur profil, votre appareil photo ou caméra, et à rassembler vos témoins parce que l'eau glacée, et oui ça mouille et c'est froid (LOL), je viens de le passer à lire une page d'information sur la SLA = je me suis informée.


- D'ailleurs, sur la même lignée, et pour ne pas oublier qu'au delà de ce défi, il y a tellement de maladies que l'on connaît peu ou mal, et pour lesquelles aucune campagne n'est aussi virale: je viens de lire la page sur la sclérose en plaques, une liste de maladies orphelines (136 pages de maladies rares qui n'ont généralement pas de nom, mais un numéro), en passant par le Syndrome d'Asperger, ou bien l'autisme. La liste est longue, mais une fois de plus, le temps que vous passez à poster votre vidéo Vine sur Facebook et compter le nombre de "like" récoltés, je m'instruis sur des choses loin d'être aussi amusantes que votre photoshoot.


- un statut Facebook particulièrement aléatoire n'aura strictement aucun effet ni sur la cause en question, ni sur la recherche. "Noir", "Dans 3 mois je pars vivre en Australie" ou "Comment je peux me débarrasser de champignons aux pieds?" n'aidera en rien la recherche contre le cancer du sein.


- Ce que j'aimerais voir systématiquement, c'est le chèque que chacun de ces arrosés, en particulier ceux et celles qui font de la cause un événement social, virtuel, visuel et particulièrement fun, aura écrit en faveur de l'association. D'ailleurs, de n'importe quelle association. Et à n'importe quelle période de l'année. Sans internet. Ni vidéo. Ni seau d'eau.


- 100$, c'est beaucoup d'argent. Par ici, et pour beaucoup, c'est un salaire mensuel qui va nourrir une dizaine de personnes et qui s'obtient dans des conditions de travail difficiles. Alors au lieu de donner parce que l'on vous a nominé, donnez parce que vous le voulez, et visez une cause qui vous tient à cœur, à laquelle vous pouvez vous identifier. Et surtout donnez ce que vous voulez/ce que vous pouvez: des sous, du temps, des vêtements, même juste de l'attention.


- Etre généreux, être sensible, c'est aussi et surtout faire preuve d'empathie au quotidien. Se verser un seau d'eau sur la tête, nominer des gens en riant tout en se foutant de ce qui se passe en bas de chez soi, et lancer la première pierre, je trouve ça répugnant.


- Je vis dans une région du monde où l'eau est une commodité rare, alors que pourtant elle coule à flot, et ce gratuitement, de mon robinet. Je vis dans une région du monde où les ressources naturelles sont gâchées sans scrupules, et où je peux, si je le veux, aller barboter dans l'une des 6 piscines de ma résidence (alors que j'ai la mer à 5mn à pied).  Et pour produire cette eau potable sans la moindre trace de calcaire, j'ai une usine de dessalement gigantesque qui en plus de pomper de l'eau de mer et vider les nappes phréatiques du coin va consommer une énorme quantité d'électricité, issue directement du pétrole et du gaz naturel.


En commentaires d'une vidéo, en réponse à quelqu'un qui demandait plus de respect envers l'eau qui manque et pour laquelle on tue dans tellement d'endroits dans le monde, j'ai lu un "oui mais c'est pour la bonne cause, et puis un seau d'eau c'est rien comparé à ceux qui gâchent tout et n'importe quoi".


Ma réponse à tout ça:

"Be the change you want to see in the world" - "vous devez être le changement  que vous voulez voir dans ce monde", Gandhi

Alors pour récapépète:
- informez-vous;
- n'attendez pas un challenge à la con pour vous sensibiliser à ce qui se passe autour de vous;
- personne ne vous oblige à donner quoi que ce soit - pensez juste à votre voisin, à vos proches, à votre communauté, pour faire le bien autour de vous. Et si vous le faites, que ce soit avec le cœur sur la main, sincèrement;
- pas besoin de se filmer, de s'auto-congratuler pour faire le bien autour de soi. Le geste a souvent plus de valeur que la parole;
- protégez les ressources naturelles - un glaçon coincé dans le dos aura autant d'effet, et cela ne devrait pas gâcher votre coktail.


A bon entendeur, je vais sortir ma CB et faire immédiatement un don à une association, sans attendre la bénédiction d'internet.


Edit 1: plusieurs jours après avoir rédigé cet article, l'association a atteint plus de 90 millions de dollars de dons, alors qu'à la même époque l'année dernière le montant ne dépassait pas les 2-3 millions.
Edit 2: Des communautés en Inde ont lancé le "Rice Bucket Challenge" pour collected du riz - à Gaza ils ont osé le "Dust Bucket Challenge" pour rappeler que la guerre est là pendant que le reste du monde s'amuse.
Edit 3: Dans un hôtel de luxe 5 étoiles en bas de chez moi, ils vont faire une soirée "Ice Bucket Challenge" ce weekend. Etrangement, quand j'ai demandé s'ils pouvaient donner des infos sur l'association et comment ils comptent donner, je n'ai pas eu de réponse...